Caffeinated
by Amethyst Turtle
Summary: This is why Robin always drinks her coffee decaffeinated. Crack! OOC Robin! General insanity! Rated for language.


AN: This is what I write when I'm up at midnight and supposed to be doing an essay on the history of jury.  
I'm probably going to be deleting this later too, because at the moment, I'm out of my mind.  
Update 11/16: I've made my decision. I'm keeping this. Why? I have no idea.

Caffeinated

There was a reason why Robin always drank her coffee decaffeinated. The Strawhats all learned it the hard way one fateful day.

It was any other normal morning. The sun was shining, the seagulls were crapping all over the ship (much to Franky's annoyance) and Zoro was bunny-hopping back and forth across the deck with a large weight on his shoulders. Nami and Robin were lounging on deck chairs enjoying the morning atmosphere.

The chaos started when Robin took a sip of her customary choice of beverage.

"Hm?" Robin looked in her mug questioningly after one sip of the coffee.

"Is something wrong, Robin?" Nami lifted up her shades and looked over at her.

"This tastes a little bit off." Robin frowned slightly.

"Robin-chwaaaan! I forgot to mention, I bought this new kind of coffee at the last island we stopped by since we were running low!" Sanji called from the kitchen.

"Sanji! Were you watching us?!?" Nami yelled.

"Of course I was! How could I take my eyes off you beauties as you lay so gracefully below the sun's watchful gaze?" Sanji swooned.

"Ugh…" Nami held a hand to her forehead. Robin chuckled and took another sip of the coffee.

Several minutes later and half a cup of coffee later, Robin began shuddering.

"Are you okay?" Nami sat up in alarm. Robin had an intense look on her face and her fists were clenched. Sanji came noodle-dancing down to them.

"Are you ladies all right? Do you need any more snacks? Drinks?"

"Cook-san, what kind of coffee did you buy?" Robin asked, her jaw tight.

Sanji shrugged. "It had a label in some foreign language, but it smelled good so I assumed-"

"Did it happen to have-" Robin twitched, "-caffeine in it?"

"Now that you mention it… I think it did. Why do you need to know, Robin-chan?"

Robin's eyes widened.

"Yohohoho! What a wonderful morning! Good morning to you, and to you, and to you! Ah, it is such a lovely day!" Brook came trotting regally out of the men's cabin, his cane tapping on the wooden deck. He stopped in front of Nami, Robin, and Sanji. "Good morning!"

Sanji and Nami greeted him, but Robin continued staring off with that intense expression.

"Miss Nami? Miss Robin? If I may be so privileged, may I perhaps have the slightest peek of your magnificent-"

It happened so fast, none of them were really sure of how it exactly happened. In a blur of black and white Brook ended up stuck headfirst in the mast. The skeleton began struggling, his skull refusing to dislodge itself out of the wood.

"That… wasn't me." Nami stared at Brook in surprise.

"R-robin-chan?" Sanji's mouth fell open. Robin was now visibly twitching, and the only word that could describe her expression was… fury.

"That was rather painful!" Brook finally popped out of the mast and was fluffing his afro back into shape. "I did not know that Miss Nami possessed such an incredible strength!"

"That wasn't me!" Nami repeated.

"Yohohoho! Yohohoho! What a wonderful joke! Yohohoho! Yohoho-"

"SHUT UP!"

Everyone froze, even Zoro, who was still hopping laps around. The four of them slowly turned their heads to the source of the shout.

Robin was standing up and still twitching, glaring at all of them.

"You! You shitty pervert! What the hell is your problem?" Robin yelled loudly, much to everyone's utter shock. Three hands grew out of the ground, grabbed Brook, and began slamming him back and forth on the deck.

"R-Robin!" Nami gasped.

"Shishishi! What's going on, guys?" Luffy came swooping down from the crows nest, grinning.

"Argh! I can't take it anymore!" Robin shouted, clutching her head. Hands began to sprout everywhere, grabbing Nami, Sanji, Zoro, and Luffy.

"What the hell?!?" Zoro dropped his weight and began struggling.

"Are we playing a game or something?" Luffy asked, impervious to Robin's fleur attack.

Nami screamed as the hands tightened their grips on her limbs and suddenly threw her across the deck right into Zoro.

"Ow! What the hell, woman?!?" Zoro yelled, shoving Nami off him and running up to Robin.

"Come and get me, bitch!" Robin began laughing and leapt away from Zoro. "Ahahahaha!"

"What was that?!?" Zoro didn't seem so surprised about Robin's sudden change in composure and attitude. He began chasing her all across the ship, Robin still laughing rather maniacally.

"Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!" Nami screamed, not attempting to move anywhere.

The arms restraining Sanji and Luffy smashed them together, a loud clunk resulting from their heads being bashed against each other.

"Ow! What's wrong with Robin?" Luffy asked, rubbing his head.

"The caffeine! It's all my fault!" Sanji wailed, falling to his knees.

"Caffeine?" Luffy tilted his head. He suddenly lit up. "Oh, I get it! It's like when people get drunk, right?"

"Ow! Stop that!" Zoro yelled as hands sprouted out of his shoulders and began slapping him repeatedly.

Brook shrieked as fingers grew from his face, wiggling like little maggots.

"Try and stop me, bitches!" Robin whooped, hanging from the mast, hanging on by several arms.

"Robin-chan! Please stop this!" Sanji pleaded, scaling the mast to reach her. Robin looked down at him, grinning with a manic look on her face.

"Can't catch me! Ahahahaha!" Robin leapt down from the mast, landing gracefully on the deck. Several arms wrapped around Sanji, pinning him to the mast.

"Uwaaaaah!" Sanji yelled, struggling in the arms' tight grips. He was trapped.

"What's up with all the noise?" Usopp and Chopper came outside, rubbing their eyes. They snapped up, alert as they caught sight of Sanji "tied" to the mast, Zoro being bitch-slapped by four arms, Brook being slammed back and forth on the deck, Nami screaming her head off, and Luffy looking around laughing cheerfully. Then they saw Robin sprinting around the ship, cackling madly.

"Eeeeaaaah! It's a nightmare!" Chopper shrieked. An arm grew out of the wall beside him and threw him to another arm on the other side of the deck. The limbs began playing catch with the poor reindeer. "Eeeeeaaaaaaaah!"

"Chopper!" Usopp screamed.

"What's with all the noise? You're all- EH?!?" Franky came out of his workshop. "Nico Robin! What are you doing?"

"She's gone insane! Stop her!" Nami screamed as eggs came flying out of the kitchen, pelting her with the goopy stuff.

"Nico Robin!" Franky grabbed her with one hand as she ran by. "Gotcha!"

"Feel the pain, spandex-man!" Robin kicked him between the legs, causing him to let go of her and double over in agony.

"Th-that was dirty…" Franky wheezed, clutching his nether-regions.

"Burn! Burn the witch! Ahahahaha!" Robin laughed. She threw her mug half-filled with coffee- which was still somehow scalding hot- at Usopp.

"YAAAAAAAH!" Usopp screamed, the hot liquid burning his face. He began running in circles. "YAAAAAAH!"

"Gah!" Zoro managed to swat the arms away, which vanished in a puff of petals. "You! Woman, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"Marimo." Robin grinned, leering at Zoro. A vein in Zoro's neck bulged.

"What was that?" Zoro gritted through his teeth.

"Ma-ri-mo." Robin's grin grew wider.

"You bitch!" Zoro snarled, grabbing at her. She swiftly dodged him.

"Marimo's in heat! Marimo's in heat! Run away!" Robin bounded away, laughing hysterically. Up on the mast, despite his situation, Sanji snickered at Zoro as he continued squirming in the arms' hold on him.

"Shut up!" Zoro yelled up at him. He finally noticed Chopper flying back and forth between the arms, victim of Robin's impromptu game of catch-the-helpless-reindeer. Zoro snatched Chopper from midair.

"Th-thanks!" Chopper gasped.

"Turn into Guard Point." Zoro ordered. Chopper quickly shifted without question. Taking careful aim, Zoro chucked the ball of fur at Robin with all his strength.

"Traaaaaitooooor!" Chopper screamed as he flew through the air.

"Flying projectile at three O'clock! Plan red-blue-purple, take effect!" Arms grew out of the ground, catching Chopper before he could come in contact with Robin. They threw him back at Zoro.

"Oof!" Zoro grunted as he got a face full of screaming Chopper.

"Robin! Calm down!" Nami yelled. Robin stopped running and faced Nami, head tilted and the creepy grin still on her face. Nami flinched and began backing away.

"Calm down? Calm down? Okay!" Robin suddenly barreled into Nami, sending the navigator crashing into the wall.

"Yohohoho! Freedom!" Brook finally squirmed his way out of the arms' hold and was crawling away, his bones slightly cracked. "I need milk!"

"How about COFFEE, pervert?" a steaming pot of coffee flew from the kitchen. Robin caught it by its handle and threw most of its contents onto Brook.

"YOOOOOOOOH!" Brook shrieked, flailing around madly. "HOOOOT!"

Robin threw the rest of the coffee at Usopp, which only made him scream even louder and run right into Nami, who was stuck inside a Nami-sized indentation in the wall.

"Nyah, Robin!" Luffy finally spoke up. He had been sitting in the midst of the chaos the entire time, watching everyone with great amusement. "Do that thing with the chopsticks!"

"Luffy! Don't encourage her!" Franky bellowed.

"Return of the spandex-man! Revenge will be mine!" Robin ran up to him and kicked him in the crotch again.

"Ah-ah-ah…" Franky whimpered, tears streaming down his face. "Th-that hurt…"

"Shishishishi! This is so fun!" Luffy stood up and wrapped his rubber arms around Robin. He trailed along behind her as she sprinted all around the ship. "I'm flying! Weeeee!"

"Luffy, you bastard! Hold Robin-chan down before she hurts herself!" Sanji yelled from his position on the mast.

"Befor_e she _hurts _herself_?!?" Zoro shouted, prying Chopper off his face.

"Huh? Oh, okay!" Luffy dug his heels into the ground. However, Robin continued running, Luffy's arms still stretching. "Oi! Robin! Stop running!"

"Never you fool!" Robin whipped around, grabbed Luffy's arms, and flung him up into the air.

"Whaaaaa!" Luffy landed on the deck with a loud crash, otherwise unharmed.

"You'll never catch me alive, bitches!" Robin shouted. She began to sprint again, when a curious look came over her.

Without warning, Robin fell over flat on her face.

All the arms vanished, sending a cloud of petals blowing briefly through the ship. Sanji fell from the mast, Usopp and Brook managed to calm down, Nami shakily pulled herself out of the wall, Luffy and Zoro helped Chopper up, and Franky waddled down to them still holding his hands over his crotch.

"Is she dead?" Luffy whispered loudly. Nami cautiously flipped Robin over. She was fast asleep, her expression completely calm.

"What happened?" Brook held a bony hand to his skull.

"It was all your fault, you shitty cook! You gave her the caffeine!" Zoro said accusingly to Sanji.

"I didn't know she would react this drastically! And she only drank half a cup of the stuff!" Sanji shot back.

"I've never heard of anyone who couldn't handle that little amount of caffeine…" Chopper said, hiding behind Luffy's leg.

"My ship!" Franky moaned, fresh tears springing up in his eyes. "The damages!"

"I'll help you fix it." Usopp patted Franky on the back, his face slightly red from the coffee and his shirt stained brown. The two went below deck to get supplies.

"So what should we do about Robin?" Nami asked, kneeling by her unconscious form.

"We should just let her sleep it off. It was a crash, I guess." Chopper said. He timidly held a hoof to Robin's neck. "Yeah, her pulse and breathing are normal so she'll be fine."

"That bitch… called me a marimo…" Zoro growled, nursing angry red handprints on his face.

"Don't call Robin-chan that, you neanderthal!" Sanji yelled.

"She's the one who pinned you to the mast!"

"But I'm sure she did it out of love…" Sanji sighed and looked off dreamily.

"Whatever." Zoro shook his head and went to the men's quarters. Chopper ran after him. Sanji sighed again and went to the kitchen to throw out the rest of the coffee he had purchased the other day.

"Robin sure is funny when she's hyper." Luffy grinned.

"Don't get any stupid ideas, Luffy!" Nami warned, dragging Robin to their cabin.

Luffy laughed.

Several hours later, Robin woke up. She sat up in bed and looked around confusedly. Nami was at her desk, working on a map.

"Navigator-san?" Robin asked. Nami gave a little "eep!" and whipped around.

"Robin! You're feeling fine, right?" Nami stood up, edging toward her. Robin noticed her muscles were tense.

"Yes." Robin raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong?"

"You don't remember anything?" Nami asked incredulously.

"Remember what?"

Nami held a hand to her forehead. "You went berserk after you took a few sips of caffeinated coffee."

"I… went berserk." Robin's face was blank.

"Yes! You were running around, laughing madly and pretty much acting like, well, Luffy!"

"…"

"Robin?"

"…"

"Are you okay?"

"…"

"Hello?"

"… This is why I only drink decaffeinated coffee."

***

Luffy quietly leapt into the kitchen. Sanji was outside dumping another can of that foreign coffee overboard. The kitchen was empty. Luffy quickly ran to the cupboard and opened it. He scanned the shelves until he caught sight of a little metal can in the far corner. Sanji had probably missed it.

Luffy reached in and grabbed the can of coffee, quietly laughing to himself.

Next time Robin drank the stuff, he would be sure to have his chopsticks handy.

AN: Oh, Robin. You'll never be able to live this one down. XD  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.


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